Made Up Reviews 4.0: Live Free Or Make Up

As another week trundles by with a bunch of releases I haven't seen, it's time to fall back on the old ideas again and make up a load of balls that's of no use to anyone, anywhere. I think this feature might be single-handedly responsible for Rotten Tomatoes' stubborn refusal to let me on their list of so-called "Top Critics".

First Night stars long-faced ham Richard E Grant and ageing warbler Sarah Brightman as Adam and Eve, and is an explicit, X-rated account of the events that occurred on their first night in the Garden of Eden. With thought-provoking scenes of temptation, desire and eye-watering fisting, First Night goes where few biblical epics fear to tread. The BBFC have cut sixteen minutes from the ejaculation scene for "extreme slapstick violence". Nicolas Cage plays the snake.

Dolphin Tale stars Morgan Freeman as Dolphin "Dolph" Lundgren in this daring biopic about the marine mammal who famously became human after swallowing a magic turtle or something. The movie focuses on Dolphin's journey to becoming an action star with the body of an adonis and the brain of a cetacean, and reveals fascinating hitherto unknown facts. For example, I had no idea he was paid in mackerel for playing He-Man in Masters Of The Universe, or that he once broke Sylvester Stallone's nose after Sly stuck a banana in his blowhole.

Albatross is a documentary about the crazy life of movie star Jessica Alba's world-famous bottom which, for the sake of this feature, she has always referred to as her tross. Features previously unseen footage of the Alba tross from its early days being sat on for a living, through its difficult teenage years when it started to develop its undeniable talent but hid from a public unable to legally admire it, right up to the fateful day where it met its soulmate in Alba's Fantastic Four lycra outfit. Nice to look at but essentially full of shit.

Footloose is a remake of the classic '80s film about Ren, a man born with Jellyankles, a rare medical condition which renders the feet permanently loose and uncontrollable. When Ren's girlfriend Louise pulls him off of his knees his troubles deepen, and it becomes a race against time for his best mate Jack to get back before all his leg joints fail and he literally cracks. This version stars a bunch of nobodies and THE QUAID, who staunchly refuses to remove his Sunday shoes in a cavalier fashion.

Real Steel stars Hugh Jackman as a debt-ridden steelworker who, in an act of mad desperation, makes off with all the steel from his factory and replaces it with papier-mâché painted to look like steel. He gets away with it until a skyscraper built with the fake steel collapses, killing thousands, and now the police and probably the mob and maybe also some aliens are after him and the real steel. In an astonishing twist it turns out he's actually a robot made of steel and could have paid off all his debts by selling his hi-tech detachable penis to a time-travelling Japanese inventor.

Thanks To The Incredible Suit

Semi-Naked Old Man Birthday Nipples Of The Week #2

84 today and still he hasn't played (or indeed been made) the Prime Minister. What kind of a world do we live in?

Thanks To The Incredible Suit

LFF 2011 Reviewdump #1: The Machine That Kills Bad People / Oslo, August 31st / Nobody Else But You / Let The Bullets Fly

Right then, here we go. I'll be figuratively squatting on your internet and metaphorically shitting out a series of "reviews" of films from this year's London Film Festival over the next week and a bit, so that you can then respond with one or more of the following:

• "Great! I'll buy a ticket now!"
• "Great! Now I know not to buy a ticket!"
• "Great! I've already bought a ticket and am now super excited!"
• "Balls! I've bought a ticket and now I want my money back!"
• "I don't care about the London Film Festival! Leave me alone!"

So without further ado, here are two to consider, one to avoid and one you've already missed. Enjoy! Or don't, I don't care.

The Machine That Kills Bad People

As good as it was when I saw it earlier this year in Bologna, not that it matters because the last screening was yesterday. Sorry.

Oslo, August 31st

A complex and meditative (i.e. catatonically slow) portrayal of a drug addict trying to find his place in the world, reconnect with family and friends and deal with crippling self-loathing, Oslo, August 31st is fairly gruelling stuff. Still, this is the London Film Festival and therefore European orgies of bleakness are the order of the day. This one makes for a fairly interesting character study but I'm hard-pressed to remember much about it a week after viewing, except that there's a man in it who looks a lot like Noel Edmonds. I bet they don't mention that in Sight & Sound. Wed 19, Thu 20

Nobody Else But You

This French comedy drama, about an author investigating the death of a girl who believed she was the reincarnation of Marilyn Monroe, looks lovely but doesn't get nearly interesting enough for anyone to care who did her in, or indeed why anyone in the story should care either. In fact the only thing it really made me want to do was watch Some Like It Hot again.

Destined to be labelled "Coenesque" (it's got some weird characters and some scenes in the snow) and, God help us, "Lynchian" (someone's trying to find out who killed a pretty young girl), Nobody Else But You is definitely influenced by both but ultimately nowhere near as satisfying as either. It's occasionally funny, well-acted all round and has a great soundtrack, but the pedestrian execution of its unoriginal and uninvolving plot means it finds a home in that sadly overcrowded box of film festival films marked "three stars". Mon 17, Thu 20

Let The Bullets Fly

The opening train hijack sequence - in which bandits flip a locomotive in the air head-over-heels (not that trains have heads or heels but you get the idea) - is inspired, but is an all-too-obvious metaphor for the train wreck that follows. Supposedly a battle of wits between a bandit and a mobster (a tragically wasted Chow Yun-Fat) in 1920s China, Let The Bullets Fly becomes more a battle between confusing plotting, messy direction and the audience's patience. The audience loses. Wed 19, Thu 20


Join me again soon for Reviewdump #2! And cross your fingers that it gets better.

Thanks To The Incredible Suit

US Mint Circulating Coin Production September 2011

New circulating coin production figures are available from the US Mint. During the month of September, there were 811.42 million coins struck at the Philadelphia and Denver Mints across all denominations.

The latest monthly total represents an increase from the previous month when 605.54 million coins were struck. It is also an increase from the year ago period of September 2010, when 690.02 million coins were struck.

A breakdown of production by denomination and mint facility is included below. The first number column represents the production for September 2011, while the second number column represents the total production for the year to date.

2011 US Mint Coin Production Figures
	Sept 2011	YTD 2011
Lincoln Cent – Denver	316.40 M	1,924.14 M
Lincoln Cent – Phil.	222.40 M	1,878.40 M
Jefferson Nickel – Denver	58.80 M	422.88 M
Jefferson Nickel – Phil.	42.96 M	369.84 M
Roosevelt Dime – Denver	82.50 M	611.00 M
Roosevelt Dime – Phil.	43.00 M	601.00 M
Quarters – Denver	0	125.60 M
Quarters – Phil.	0	122.40 M
Kennedy Half – Denver	0	1.70 M
Kennedy Half – Phil.	0	1.75 M
Native Am Dollar – Denver	0	23.10 M
Native Am Dollar – Phil.	0	11.62 M
Pres Dollar – Denver	21.70 M	133.56 M
Pres Dollar – Phil.	23.66 M	134.96 M
Total	811.42 M	6,361.95 M

 

The three smallest denominations accounted for nearly all coin production for the month. There were 538.80 million cents, 101.76 million nickels, and 125.50 million dimes struck, which 94.4% of all production.

There were no quarters, half dollars, or Native American Dollars produced for the month.

The US Mint produced 45.36 million Presidential Dollars, which appear to be the start of production for the next design featuring James Garfield. Although there have been seven bills introduced in Congress seeking to abolish, suspend, or limit the production of Presidential Dollars, so far none of these bills have been voted on. There has been one bill introduced seeking to transition from paper bills to coins, which would likely result in much higher production for coins. This bill has been referred to committee and has not been voted on.

The Mint has not provided any new or updated production figures by individual design. The previously released preliminary figures for the first four 2011 America the Beautiful Quarters designs and the first three 2011 Presidential Dollar designs are shown below.

2011 US Mint Coin Production by Design
	Denver	Phil.	Total
Gettysburg Quarter	30.80 M	30.40 M	61.20 M
Glacier Quarter	31.20 M	30.40 M	61.60 M
Olympic Quarter	30.60 M	30.40 M	61.00 M
Vicksburg Quarter	33.40 M	30.80 M	64.20 M
Andrew Johnson Dollar	37.10 M	35.56 M	72.66 M
Ulysses S. Grant Dollar	37.94 M	38.08 M	76.02 M
Rutherford Hayes Dollar	36.82 M	37.66 M	74.48 M

 

Numismatic Gold Product Price Increase

After four consecutive price decreases, a price increase is possible for gold numismatic products this week. The four decreases on September 14, September 21, September 28, and October 5 brought prices lower by the equivalent of 0 per ounce of gold content.

The average market price of gold for the weekly period (excluding the Wednesday AM price) is within the ,650 to ,699.99 range. In the most likely scenario, as long as the Wednesday PM price is above ,650 per ounce, then the price increase would take place. In the past, the US Mint has made pricing changes effective around mid-morning on Wednesday.

Gold products which would have their prices increased include the 2011 Proof Gold Eagles, 2011-W Uncirculated Gold Eagle, 2011 Proof Gold Buffalo, First Spouse Gold Coins, and 2011 commemorative gold coins.

The average market price for platinum seems likely to remain within the ,450 to ,549.99 range. As such, the price of the 2011 Proof Platinum Eagle should remain unchanged.

Thanks To Mint News Blog

25th Anniversary Silver Eagle Set on Sale October 27

The US Mint has confirmed that the 25th Anniversary Silver Eagle Set will go on sale October 27, 2011 with shipping expected to begin in late November. Unfortunately, there are still no pricing details available.

Some details of the offering were previously provided in a US Mint press release. The five coin sets will include one proof coin struck at the West Point Mint, one uncirculated coin struck at the West Point Mint, one uncirculated coin struck at the San Francisco Mint, one reverse proof coin struck at the Philadelphia Mint, and one bullion coin. As indicated elsewhere, the coins will carry the appropriate mint marks, with the exception of the bullion coin, which will not have a mint mark.

Through other product offerings or channels, the US Mint has already offered an uncirculated coin struck at West Point, a proof coin struck at West Point, and bullion coin. Based on available information, it seems that the two remaining coins will be unique to the 25th Anniversary Set.

From the press release, the Mint plans to produce “up to 100,000″ of the sets with a household order limit of 5.

A lot of people are speculating on the price for the 25th Anniversary Silver Eagle Set. My guess would be above 0, maybe 0 to 0. In recent history, US Mint numismatic product prices tend to be higher than collectors expect. I might be wrong, but we will see.

It doesn’t always work to add up the prices of individual coins included within a multi-coin product. Back in 2006, the US Mint offered the 20th Anniversary Gold and Silver Eagle Set for 0. Later (and I believe concurrent with the offering) the one ounce 2006-W Gold Eagle and 2006-W Silver Eagle contained in the set were available individually for 0 and .95, or 9.95.

To provide some additional data, the 2006 20th Anniversary Silver Eagle Set containing an uncirculated coin, proof coin, and reverse proof coin was priced at 0 per set. At the time, the proof coin was priced individually at .95 and the uncirculated coin was later offered for .95. The market price of silver was around per ounce.

At the end of the day (as long as the product limit remains 100,000 or less and the two potentially unique coins are unique), secondary market prices will be almost immediately significantly higher than whatever the US Mint issue price is.

Thanks To Mint News Blog